Seinfeld is my favorite show. While the gang’s run ended in the 90’s, I’d always wondered what they’d be up to these days. So my buddy and fellow Seinfeld fan Jp and I decided to create our own answer by writing an episode of our own, set during the 2021 New York City mayoral election. We give you: “The Ballots”
“The Ballots”
by
Campbell George and Jp Winders
Fade In:
INT. DINER - DAY
ELAINE, GEORGE, and JERRY sit in the usual booth. George is fiddling with AirPods.
GEORGE
You know what bugs me about the new AirPods?
JERRY
That you had to take out a loan to afford them?
GEORGE
Very funny. No, it’s the sealing. The noise cancelation. I can’t hear a thing.
JERRY
I’m pretty sure that’s the point.
GEORGE
Why would anybody want that? It’s important to be aware of your surroundings.
ELAINE
Right, because you’re so aware of yours.
GEORGE
I’m just saying. I mean you’re a comedian, you should hate it.
JERRY
Why is that?
GEORGE
Because your whole thing is talking, give the audience all AirPods to cancel you out and you’re out of the job!
ELAINE
If you gave the audience AirPods maybe I’d finally come to one of your shows.
JERRY
Trust me, George, If I’m gonna be canceled, it won’t be by some headphones.
GEORGE
Alright, I gotta take off. My parents want me to drop off their ballots for them while I vote.
ELAINE
Aren’t you supposed to mail those?
GEORGE
They said they didn’t have the right stamps.
KRAMER enters the cafe and slides in next to Jerry.
ELAINE
Ballots don’t need stamps.
GEORGE
I know they don’t need stamps! But they wouldn’t listen so now I gotta go drop them off while I vote provisional.
KRAMER
Provisional ballots, George? I don’t know, I hear there’s a lot of fraud going around. You don’t wanna get caught up in that, tsk tsk.
ELAINE
Oh come on, Kramer, who would want to mess with the mayoral election? The only person the city hates more than the guy who loses is the guy who wins.
KRAMER
It’s all over the Internet, Elaine! Facebook, Reddit, 4chan, Snapchat, Elaine! Snapchat!
JERRY
You don’t have a Facebook.
KRAMER
I use yours.
Kramer hands Jerry a sticky note with his passwords on it.
JERRY
That explains all the messages about cheap Ray-Bans.
KRAMER (CONT’D)
Be careful, George. If they see you with all those ballots, you might get locked up [blinks, nods vigorously].
GEORGE gulps and begins to pale.
JERRY
Look, give the guy a break. He’s got it bad enough with his new headphones as it is.
GEORGE
Jerry, take the ballots and give ‘em to Newman, would ya?
JERRY
What? No way!
GEORGE
Please, Jerry! I can’t go back to jail!
JERRY
Oh and I can?
GEORGE
This is New York Jail, Jerry! New York Jail. You can’t get out of a fight just by curling up in a ball on the floor.
JERRY
Why not? It worked for you in junior high.
GEORGE
C’mon Jerry, Please!
JERRY
Fine! Fine! I’ll do it.
GEORGE
I owe you one Jerry.
JERRY
Pretty sure you owe me several.
GEORGE hands JERRY the ballots and leaves.
ELAINE’s phone buzzes
ELAINE
Ooh! It’s Jeremy!
JERRY
Jeremy?
ELAINE
Yeah! He’s with the Quincy campaign. He texted me Sunday asking me to vote for Quincy and it turns out he’s really funny.
Keeps sending those memes from Reddit. Look, it's a little Dog-e.
JERRY
It’s Doge.
ELAINE
That’s what I said, Those memes.
Jerry shakes his head.
KRAMER
You gotta watch for guys like that, Elaine. They’re deep in the fraud business. My buddy Bob Saccamano worked at a phone bank once. Used to inflate his numbers all to win prizes.
JERRY
What kind of prizes?
KRAMER
More phone minutes, it is the phone bank after all.
ELAINE
Jeremy is nothing like that. He’s got a great sense of humor and he’s civically minded. He even invited me to go canvassing with him later!
JERRY
And you, pillar of citizenship that you are, agreed?
ELAINE
I’m sorry we can’t all be as grillpilled as you, Jerry. Anyway, I’m meeting him in an hour.
KRAMER
Careful, Elaine. What if someone thinks you’re tampering with the election?
ELAINE
Kramer, one, campaigning isn’t tampering and two, no one is tampering, period, and 50 bucks says so.
Kramar begins breathing heavily.
JERRY
Elaine, no! You know how he is with gambling.
ELAINE
Well, I’m sick of hearing him talk about the world like it’s some big game.
JERRY
To be fair, to him it is and he has a knack for winning.
KRAMER
[Comes to himself] You’re on, Elaine!
JERRY
Alright. I gotta drop off these ballots at Newman’s.
They all get up and leave.
EXT. CITY BLOCK - DAY
GEORGE is waiting in line and fidgeting, checking his watch.
GEORGE
Come on, this is taking forever.
A POLL WORKER walks by.
GEORGE
Excuse me, how long is this going to take?
She doesn’t answer and continues on. GEORGE pulls out his phone and sees a Facebook post of Tim Watley holding up voting stickers.
GEORGE
[To self] Lincoln Square, huh?
GEORGE looks up to check how long the line is ahead. He turns to the PERSON behind him.
GEORGE
Hold my place, will you?
PERSON
Why? So you can get a latte while I wait?
GEORGE
Please, I have a real quick errand.
PERSON
I said no.
GEORGE zips up his jacket and walks away in a huff.
GEORGE
[Yelling] You know we’re living in a society!
EXT. CITY BLOCK 2 - DAY
GEORGE arrives and sees that it’s an equally long wait.
GEORGE
I can’t believe it.
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - DAY
JERRY and ELAINE are sitting. ELAINE gets a text.
ELAINE
Look what Jer just sent me.
JERRY
Jer? Now he’s Jer? I thought I was Jer!
ELAINE
You never liked Jer.
JERRY
I don’t! but what if something happens to you and your last words are “Jer did it.” Now I’m in trouble, all because you can’t come up with good nicknames.
ELAINE
Oh shut up, Jer. Just read the text.
JERRY
“With Quincy’s law enforcement plan, a night out will be safer than ever”
ELAINE
Pretty sweet, huh?
JERRY
That sounds like a campaign text.
ELAINE
What? No. He’s flirting. He’s saying we’re gonna go out.
JERRY
Whatever you say, just don’t get your hopes up.
ELAINE
My hopes aren’t up but even if they were it wouldn’t matter because Jer is a total flirt, Jer. In fact I am going to meet Jer at Hudson Yards right now. Goodbye, Jer.
JERRY
Hudson Yards??
ELAINE exits as KRAMER enters. KRAMER holds a stack of papers behind his back, hiding it from Elaine.
KRAMER
This bet must be getting to her, she’s not making any sense. And that’s coming from me.
JERRY
Whatcha got there?
KRAMER
Ballots, Jerry! Enough for the whole block!
JERRY takes a couple from the top of the stack.
JERRY
Is this just your mail-in ballot photocopied?!
KRAMER
You betcha! Don’t worry, I used white-out so they can’t be traced back to me.
JERRY
Kramer, if you’re the one passing these out, something tells me they might be able to trace them back to you.
KRAMER
Well, we can’t all rely on the government to send us one, Mr. Washington.
JERRY
What do you care if people voted or not? You’ve never voted in your life.
KRAMER
Jerry, Jerry, I don’t care about who wins the election, I care about who wins the bet! I never lose, Jerry, never.
JERRY
So you’re going to commit election fraud, to prove there is election fraud? One might see that as fabrication or... fake news!
KRAMER
I have no doubt that it’s happening, Jerry! I’m just giving it a little [twitches vigorously] nudge.
JERRY
Well, I’m headed down to Newman’s to drop off the Constanzas’ ballots before you photocopy those too.
KRAMER
I wouldn’t trust him, Jerry! The mailmen are the drug-runners of voter fraud.
JERRY
Yeah, right.
JERRY exits.
INT. NEWMAN’S DOOR - CONTINUOUS.
JERRY knocks on NEWMAN’s door. NEWMAN answers through a slightly open door.
NEWMAN
Hello Jerry.
KRAMER
Hello, Newman.
NEWMAN
What might I do for you on this fine afternoon?
JERRY
George asked me to drop off these ballots to you, his parents were convinced they didn’t have the right stamps.
NEWMAN
Oh, simple Jerry, ballots don’t need stamps, hahaha!
JERRY
Yeah, well good luck explaining that to the people who raised George.
NEWMAN
I could do this for you… But if I did, what, pray tell, would I receive in return?
JERRY
I won’t tell anyone that you use your mail truck to get preferential parking.
NEWMAN
Your point is received. Now hand them over and be off. I have much work to do.
JERRY hands NEWMAN the envelopes, then looks around and sees bags of mail on the floor full of ballots. NEWMAN tries to close the door.
JERRY
Not so fast, Newman. Are you hoarding mail again?
NEWMAN
Never you mind, Jerry! The postal service works in mysterious ways.
JERRY
There is nothing mysterious about pretending to do your job. Now give those back!
They tussle, the ballots tear in half.
NEWMAN
Now look what you’ve done! A sacrilege to the sacred trust of postmaster! It’s an outrage, blasphemy!
JERRY
I thought you were committing election fraud! You had the bags and the ballots—
NEWMAN
That’s the mail for the Ballot Processing Center! It's on my route. Now out, Jerry! Out! What kind of a monster do you think I am?!
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
KRAMER sits on Jerry’s couch organizing his fake ballots. JERRY enters.
JERRY
He ripped the ballots.
KRAMER
I told you not to trust him, Jerry.
JERRY
I mean, he didn’t rip them. I thought he was hoarding mail again and tried to get them back and—
JERRY does a ripping gesture.
KRAMER
Those mailmen are slippery, Jerry. Making you think your mail is safe in their hands when they’re actually ripping it up with your own.
JERRY
Yeah, well. Now I gotta tell George his ballots are gone.
KRAMER
Well now, hold on there, Jerry. You didn’t do anything wrong. Why, you were just trying to do your civic duty!
JERRY
Be as that may, this civic duty is still showing up empty-handed to the polls.
KRAMER
Unless...
JERRY
Nope, no way, Kramer. No way.
KRAMER
Jerrrrry, think about it! They go in the envelope, no one has to know. You’d be doing me a big favor, helping me with this bet with Elaine. I’ll cut you in— 10%!
JERRY
You’re crazy.
KRAMER
Me, crazy? No. No, no. But Mrs. Constanza, Jerry? When she finds out who fumbled up her ballot? Good luck, buddy tsk tsk.
JERRY
C’mon, this is blackmail!
KRAMER
Jerry, Jerry! That’s such an ugly word. You scratch my back, I scratch yours, mi casa es su casa, right?
JERRY
I never even go to your casa!
KRAMER
Well, it’s right across the hall and, frankly, I’m a little hurt you don’t visit!
JERRY
I gotta call George.
JERRY picks up his phone and dials. The line rings.
KRAMER
What are you gonna tell him, Jerry? It’d be a shame to ruin that little friendship you’ve got going.
JERRY
Whatever.
GEORGE answers.
JERRY (CONT’D)
Hey George.
EXT. CITY BLOCK 2 - CONTINUOUS.
GEORGE is waiting in line on his phone.
GEORGE
Jerry, did you drop off the ballots?
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
JERRY
Yeah George I dropped them off but there was a bit of a problem.
EXT. CITY BLOCK 2 - CONTINUOUS.
GEORGE
A problem? what problem?
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS.
JERRY
Well, Newman had bags full of ballots and I thought he was hoarding mail again.
EXT. CITY BLOCK 2 - CONTINUOUS.
GEORGE
Hoarding ballots?!
GEORGE looks around, worried people will find him suspicious.
GEORGE
(quieter)
Listen, Jerry, you gotta get those ballots back. My parents will kill me if they find out I lost their ballots.
INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
JERRY
Well…
JERRY gives an uneasy look over at KRAMER who gives vigorous nods of encouragement.
JERRY (CONT’D)
Yeah, I got them, George.
EXT. CITY BLOCK 2 - CONTINUOUS
GEORGE
You’re a lifesaver, Jerry! Alright, meet me at the Lincoln Square polling place.
GEORGE looks ahead of him at the long line.
GEORGE (CONT’D)
Actually, meet me at the one on 31st.
GEORGE Hangs up and turns to the person behind him.
GEORGE (CONT’D)
Could you hold my spot in line?
EXT. CITY BLOCK 3 - DAY
ELAINE waits on a street for JEREMY to arrive. He arrives with a group of other canvassers.
ELAINE
There you are! I was starting to think Quincy wasn’t gonna let you go!
JEREMY
Please, Elaine, no jokes. Q is a very serious man.
ELAINE
Q? What’s that, some kind of nickname?
JEREMY
Q is all of us. Any of us. Q speaks truth to power on behalf of the voiceless, wouldn’t you like someone like that leading this city?
ELAINE
Oh, uh, sure.
JEREMY
I knew you’d understand; you’re a special woman Elaine. With your help, Q will end the liberal media and Drain the Hudson of corruption.
The other canvassers begin to chant.
CANVASSERS
Drain the Hudson! Drain the Hudson! Drain the Hudson!
ELAINE
(inquisitive)
Is Q, you know—
ELAINE mimes a Nazi salute. JEREMY lowers her arm.
JEREMY
Elaine, Q is just a sensible man who knows that certain groups use hypnosis to control others and is going to put a stop to it.
ELAINE loses interest in him.
JEREMY (CONT’D)
And when he does, the city will be ‘safer for that night out.’
JEREMY winks. ELAINE forgets her issues with his political views.
ELAINE
(flirtatious)
That sounds nice, Jer.
EXT. CITY BLOCK 4 - DAY
KRAMER is holding a stack of ballots and unsuccessfully attempting to distribute them on the street.
KRAMER
Extra! Extra! Vote all about it! Make your voice heard! Don’t tread on me! Here, ma’am, let Uncle Sam know what you think.
WOMAN
No thanks! I already voted!
KRAMER
Well back in the day, women couldn’t vote so you’ve got years to make up for.
She storms off.
KRAMER
So much for feminism. Here sir, don’t forget to vote!
MAN
Aren’t those supposed to come in the mail?
KRAMER
Do you know what else comes in the mail? Glitter bombs, stool samples— and that's just what I sent this week. Do you really want your ballot mixed up in that? These babies are fresh off the press.
He walks away.
KRAMER
Oh, come on!
EXT. CITY BLOCK 5 - DAY
GEORGE waits in line to vote, looking ahead at the long line. JERRY approaches him.
GEORGE
Jerry! Oh thank God, did you get the ballots back from Newman?
JERRY
Uh, yeah. They’re right here.
JERRY hands the ballots to GEORGE.
JERRY
You’ve been gone for hours, I thought you’d have voted by now.
GEORGE
I’m trying but lines are too long!
JERRY
Lines? You mean more than one?
GEORGE
Yeah well, I keep trying to vote but the lines are too long so I—
JERRY
You what? Start over someone else?
GEORGE
Well, I have people save my spots just in case.
JERRY
What happens when they get to the front? That’s why all the lines are too long, the people at the front are waiting for people like you.
GEORGE
This is New York, Jerry! No one is actually saving spots in line, it’s just what you say so people don’t think you’re just leaving for no reason.
JERRY
They don’t care, they don’t know you! It just sounds like you like waiting in lines.
GEORGE
Let’s just say when you’ve lived a life like mine, you get pretty good at waiting!
JERRY
Hey, is that Elaine?
They look over and see ELAINE, JEREMY, and OTHER CANVASSERS handing out flyers and talking to people.
ELAINE
(unenthusiastic)
Vote for Q. Vote for Q.
JEREMY
Keep it up, Elaine! I love that passion!
ELAINE looks over and sees JERRY and GEORGE. They wave knowingly and she looks embarrassed. She approaches them.
JERRY
I see the pillar of citizenship is holding up our democracy.
ELAINE
Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. He’s just so cute and today’s the last day of the election so maybe he’ll just be a normal guy after.
JERRY
Right because if there’s one thing Q guys are good at it’s going back to normal after the election.
JERRY gestures to JEREMY who has donned a buffalo headdress.
ELAINE
Hey! Peterman would love this for the catalog!
GEORGE
Shh, I gotta focus. I’m shifting into voting mode.
JERRY
If only you were in voting mode two polling places ago.
ELAINE
Wait, isn’t that Kramer?
ELAINE points to Kramer on the other side of the street, stack of ballots as big as ever.
ELAINE (CONT’D)
What’s he doing?
GEORGE
It looks like he’s handing out ballots.
ELAINE
You don’t think—
ELAINE gasps.
ELAINE (CONT’D)
He’s trying to rig the bet!
(yelling)
Hey! Kramer! I see you, cheater!
KRAMER sees ELAINE, turns to run and spills ballots everywhere. GEORGE picks one up.
GEORGE
What kind of moron would believe these are real ballots?
JERRY shifts uneasily.
JERRY
Yeah… morons.
A POLL WORKER looks over at the excitement and sees George holding a ballot. The POLL WORKER approaches.
POLL WORKER
Sir, is that your ballot?
GEORGE
No, no. I’m here to vote provisional.
POLL WORKER
We have reports of a man matching your description at polling places all over the city.
JERRY gives George a look.
POLL WORKER (CON’T)
I’m going to have to search your bag.
GEORGE
Okay, sure. Not a problem.
The POLL WORKER goes through his bag and pulls out his parent’s ballots.
POLL WORKER
Sir, what are these?
GEORGE
Those are my parents’. They asked me to bring them because they didn’t have the right stamps.
POLL WORKER
(suspicious)
Ballots don’t need stamps.
GEORGE
I know they don’t need stamps!
POLL WORKER
Sir, calm down.
The POLL WORKER inspects the ballots further, then waves over a POLICE OFFICER.
POLL WORKER (CON’T)
You’re going to have to come with us. These ballots are counterfeit.
GEORGE
What? No, they’re my parents. They didn’t have the stamps so I gave them to J—
GEORGE looks suspiciously over at JERRY, then over to KRAMER, then angrily back at JERRY.
JERRY gives an awkward smile.
GEORGE
BUT I—! AND THE STAMPS—! THIS IS A SET-UP! THIS IS ALL A SET-UP!
GEORGE freaks out and the screen goes still as the SEINFELD theme plays and the credits roll
INT. DINER - DAY - CREDITS CONTINUE TO ROLL
ELAINE, KRAMER, GEORGE, and JERRY sit in the usual booth, watching election results on the diner’s TV.
GEORGE
Thanks a lot, Jerry, now I have to go to Rageaholics Anonymous every week.
ELAINE flaunts a 50 dollar bill.
KRAMER
Hey, at least you’re not out 50 bucks.
The TV ANCHOR comes on over the TV.
ANCHOR (O.S.)
Andrew Yang has declared victory in the 2021 New York Mayoral Election. The Quincy Campaign has contested the results claiming widespread fraud…
GEORGE
Hey Kramer, isn’t that your old intern?
ANCHOR (O.S.)
… Darin Quincy attributes his eccentric platform to his time interning at Kramerica Industustries…
GEORGE
No wonder they lost.
KRAMER
Tell me about it, I couldn’t get rid of a single ballot.
JERRY
So much for “Draining the Hudson”.
ELAINE
Yeah, I guess he’ll have to settle for the East.
THE END